As bad as things have been so far, at all times I have had the feeling that I'm moving forward. I've been going through hell, but even still I've kept going, towards what was supposed to be the exit. But now on my path I face an impenetrable wall.
I am right now in a quite literal physical and mental hell. I can barely sleep even with a high dose of sleeping meds. Four hours is lucky, two hours is more realistic. But that isn't the worst part. The worst part is why I can't sleep. I'm beset by an unrelenting restlessness that is almost impossible to shake off even for a moment. It feels like my entire skin is being touched or ticked by invisible fingers at all times. Every single waking moment I feel the need to pee, but even if I go, the feeling never goes away, it doesn't even get easier, in fact it just gets worse and may be accompanied by burning. On top of that I know that if I don't manage to stay reasonably relaxed, I'm going to be developing horrifying pains all over my pelvis real soon.
Last night I needed to stay still to try to get a little bit of sleep, but instead I kept walking and sitting and doing everything I could think of to satisfy the strings pulling at my limbs. The medications I had taken in the evening blurred my mind and even my vision but did not have the power to make me sleep. Eventually I ended up laying in bed in the darkness, concentrating all of my mind on my breathing, inhaling and exhaling like my life depended on it, counting every single breath for hours. I somehow made it through the night doing that, until I fell asleep for a few hours in the morning. Start of the day was sligtly more tolerable due to the mental blur brought on by the sleeping meds, but now I feel that way again. It's five hours until I take the next sleeping meds, and a long long night of trying to calm myself down enough to stay still enough in bed to fall asleep at all.
The first two months off of Diazepam were nothing compared to this. Only the worst anxiety I've ever been through compares, and this isn't even anxiety, it's something more insidious, attacking my body first and mind through the endless extreme discomfort I am in. And none of this would be happening if my pelvic floor hadn't developed a chronic spasm that caused the constant feeling of urinary urgency which caused everything else thanks to my hypersensitized nervous system.
Friday this week I'll meet a physical therapist that may be able to help me a bit with my pelvic floor. Then she'll be gone for a week before she can do anything more. I keep asking myself, can I take this for four more days? Will I be able to take it for 15 or 16? Barely any sleep, constant torture for every waking moment. Stopping Diazepam was nowhere near this bad. The first two months off were nowhere close to this Hell on Earth. Never in my life have I experienced anything that fully compares to this. Images of death and suicide flash before my eyes when I try to think of going forward. I need this to end. I can not take this much longer. It is too much. It is intolerable. It has to stop.
And there we have it, the choice I never wanted to make. You may call it a coward's choice, a low hanging fruit. That may be true. I fear that it will turn out to be wrong, and rather than making things easier, it will just make my future even worse, drawing out my suffering over a longer period of time. Nonetheless, I have reached the point where I see little else that I could do to survive this but reinstate Diazepam.
What does that mean? Going back on the drug that I painfully wrested myself off of two months ago, now. Admitting that even though my mind actually would have been able to take this withdrawal alone, the breaking down of my body pushed the scales too far in the wrong direction. Facing another slow painful taper - much slower than this one - in the future, as soon as I'm physically well enough to be able to pull it off. And finally realizing that no one knows the right answers, me least of all.
I haven't fully made up my mind yet. I know that reinstating a benzo drug may fail. I do not know what dose of Diazepam I will need to make my state of being tolerable. I don't know how I'll be able to make it through another full withdrawal with all the physiatric conditions that developed with it. All in all I know very little about what it would entail for me. My guess is that even in the best case scenario it would mean being on Diazepam for another seven or eight months, followed by another 6 - 12 month period of withdrawal symptoms.
But I know this: I can not take this anymore. I've gone through hell, but if there's ever been a time to stop going, it is now. If I knew this hell was going to go on until next friday but no longer, maybe I'd try to keep going until then. Indeed maybe I should try to keep going until then. But I don't know if I'll be able to pull that off. The spirit may be willing, but the flesh is weak.
P.S. I'm postponing my choice indefinitely until I can be sure of whether I can find alternative solutions for my problem. It seems that I am suffering from several symptoms, one of them akathisia, which may be treatable without giving up the withdrawal. Trust me, the last thing I want to do right now is ruin the withdrawal at this point if there are even semi-reasonable options.