It's strange how easy it is to become preoccupied with something small just to avoid seeing the bigger picture, especially when the bigger picture is something you'd rather wasn't there at all. Well, I reached the point where I had to stop avoiding.
I've been suffering from near constant diarrhea since january, which has made me ever weaker, caused my weight to plummet and been clearly connected to my worsening chronic pain and worsening dermatitis. A few weeks ago I finally admitted I had no way of solving the problem by myself. I had my suspicions, and they were proven true by antibody tests. I have a fairly severe intolerance of several foodstuffs. The good news is that avoiding them should put an end to this misery. The bad news is that most of them (including oats, maize and pinto beans of all things) are something I haven't eaten in years.
When I say I haven't eaten the culprit foods for years, I mean exactly that: I haven't eaten them as food. But turns out I have been eating at least some of them in my medications, as additives. It's mindboggling how many drugs and supplements contain copious amounts of maize. What's even more mindboggling is that certain medical compounds are only available in forms that contain maize, even though they are made by several different manufacturers. Just imagine the consequences if they were using peanuts instead.
It's even worse with oats and legumes, because they aren't clearly marked anywhere. You have to do some serious studying just to figure out that acacia gum is cross-reactive with beans and comes from the legume family. I can't even tell if that's the culprit for my high legume antibody count, but I can't find anything even remotely indicative of beans in any of the ingredients lists I've gone through. It's quite literally impossible to figure out what plant the matter making up much of a pill or a capsule you have to take was derived of. It's crazy what drug companies can get away with.
And in the middle of all this unholy mess I'm also supposed to continue my withdrawal from diazepam, try to keep myself in shape for an eventual surgery that should hopefully put an end to a chronic bacterial infection in my throat and all the much bigger and potentially devastating things looming in the foreseeable future. If I didn't still believe in the slim hope that maybe some day I'll be able to live a normal life again I'd probably just end it all right here. Because if this was all there was left, it wouldn't be worth it to try to go on until the miserable end.
Enough of the doom and gloom, though. This weekend I'm trying to post several chapters of Tales of the Faerie that I hinted at in the last journal post. This will include reasonably complete parts of Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. If there's any interest at all to those, I may eventually try to complete both stories and even try writing Cinderella, which I only have a basic outline thought out for. Chances are, though, that they'll just end up as filler. And there's more of that from spring 2013 yet to come. And as long as I'm in this bad a shape, that's all you can hope to expect.